pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
