anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
