They should really pass out barf bags in church
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
