I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
