You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
