Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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