I think I won the penis lottery.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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