new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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