We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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