My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
