The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
