I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
