She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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