We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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