Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
