If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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