I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
