I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
