he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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