Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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