If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
