My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
