My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
