Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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