you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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