my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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