i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
