I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
