just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I am naked and annoyed.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
