He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
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Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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