Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
