the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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