You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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