I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
