i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
