I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
