Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
