Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
