I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
