my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
