So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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