why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
