How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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