I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
