Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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