Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
