My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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