yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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