If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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