I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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