when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
