I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
