I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
