i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
