Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
