she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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