John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
