I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
