If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
